Counselling -

Do You Make This Mistake With Men and Relationships?

One of the most important things to know about a man is his primary fear…to be incompetent.

It’s the complete opposite of the primary female fear…to be alone.

Because it’s so different, many women downplay it or ignore it outright, to their detriment. As a result, they greatly decrease their chances of a happy relationship. Correctly learning how to ease a man’s primary fear of being incompetent can have a dramatic effect on the health and well being of your dating or marriage relationship.

If you were to say to the typical man that he wasn’t very “nice,” it might bother him a bit. But… if you were to imply directly or indirectly that he wasn’t competent at his job, at being your mate, etc., that would hurt him much, much more.

Secondly, the most important person to give a man feedback, feedback that means the most, is his wife or girlfriend. What she thinks about him matters more than most other people.

What a married man wants most, is a happy wife. If she’s happy then he believes that he’s doing a good job as her husband.

But, what if she doesn’t tell him what she’s happy about?

What if she tells him things that she appreciates about him in a manner that would be meaningful to another woman, but mean little to most men?

Talk to him in a way that he understands.

Let’s say…for example, he fixes a cupboard door in the kitchen. He does something simple like the tightening of the screws, ensuring that it‘s firmly in place.

Now, if he were a female (I know…that‘s probably a bit hard to imagine, OK…really hard to imagine, but work with me), you might say that it was very “considerate” or “nice” of him to fix the cupboard door. “That was very kind of you honey!”

This sort of language is rooted in “connection.” Being connected is the opposite of being alone, which, as I mentioned earlier, is the primary female fear. “Nice” people, “kind” people and “considerate” people are the type of people who are best able to connect.

In effect, what your uniquely female language is telling the man, your man, is that his actions have enabled the two of you to connect, to not be alone. What higher compliment could you give him? What greater reassurance could you provide? You have reassured him that he is not alone, that the two of you have connected. That’s just what a man wants most right?

Wrong.

That’s what a woman wants most.

Think of children for a moment, maybe think back to your own childhood. Two girls are mad at each other. One girl threatens the other girl. “I won’t be you’re friend.” The message? You will be without me as a friend and suffer a loss of connection.

When have you ever, and I mean EVER, heard a boy threaten another boy in that manner?

Boys threaten other boys with issues regarding competence. “I’ll punch you.” “I bet I can run faster than you.”

If a boy is threatened with being punched and hurt, he will first assess whether or not he can handle the other boy in a physical confrontation, whether on his own or with the help of another. The more competent he feels about handling the physical threat, the less fear he feels. Whether or not he’s going lose “connection” with this other boy is not his primary concern.

So…what a man wants most is to know that he is making a positive impact in his girlfriend’s or wife’s life. That he’s competent, a valuable member of the family, a valuable part of your life. He wants to be complimented on what he does as opposed to who he is.

That’s worth repeating.

Men want to be complimented and recognized for what they do, how they contribute to make the world a better place as opposed to whether or not they’re “nice” or “kind.”

If you can explain to him how his “nice” and “kind” behaviour directly affects his competence and contribution as a man, then he’s very happy.

Let’s take another look at the “fixing of the cupboard door” scenario and see how else you could talk to him.

Tell him, “Honey, I appreciate how you fixed the cupboard door, now I’m not concerned about it falling off and hitting me in the head. I feel much safer now.”

This compliment is specific and most importantly, stated clearly in terms of how his actions have made your life better, safer, etc.

This compliment connects his actions to your feelings.

If a husband doesn’t see a connection between what he does for you as his wife, he will decrease and in lots of cases stop trying completely.

If he gets no feedback at all from you, or only negative feedback when something isn’t done the way you like it, he will look other places for positive feedback.

This may be his work, the kids, hobbies or sadly, another woman.