Counselling -

How to Break Free from Controlling Relationships

Controlling relationships are far more common than most people realize, and even though they are viewed as undesirable and negative, the people that choose them do so for rather logical, albeit unhealthy, reasons.

Controlling adult relationships are a by-product of people who have generally grown up in highly unstable or controlling environments.

Like actors in a play, in most controlling relationships there are two roles being played out, the controller and the controlled.

The person who is trying to do the controlling is almost always trying to compensate for the “out of control” nature of the environment they grew up in. People with consistent control problems are plagued by internal fears of life spiralling out of control. Their context for life was set in childhood and they often continue living out of that paradigm even though it’s no longer relevant.

The unstable home environment could have been a result of an alcoholic parent(s), an absent workaholic parent(s), the breakdown of the marriage, or some form of physical or emotional abuse. The withholding of love by one or both of the parents as a means of keeping the child in line is also a very destructive and unsettling experience for children that can carry over into adult relationships.

The person who chooses to marry or date the controller is doing so because of one or a combination of the following reasons.

1. That is what they are used to, what they grew up with. So even though it’s not enjoyable, it is strangely comfortable, being controlled that is.

2. They are trying to reform the controller. Often this is done unconsciously as a means of trying to mend the unhealthy relationship they had with their primary care giver or parent.

3. Being in a relationship with a controller makes them look good, because when they measure their own behaviour against the controller‘s, they look like their doing a pretty good job of running their life, even though they’re probably not.

4. Being with a controller seems to make life easier at times because they don’t have to make very many decisions, because that’s what the controller does. It gives them someone to blame when things don’t work out right because…they didn’t make the decision!?!?

If you’re looking to break free from a controlling relationship, here’s a few things to consider.

1. If being controlled is what you are used to, what you grew up with, then it’s vital to realize that “you are not responsible for the environment you grew up in.” In dysfunctional homes, the children tend to take responsibility for the parent’s problematic behaviours. In controlling homes it’s common for the parent(s) to blame the child as a means of off loading responsibility and thus paralyzing the child.

I suggest you repeat that phrase over and over to drive it deep into your subconscious mind. “You are not responsible for the environment you grew up in.”

As importantly, “you are 100% response-able, able to respond, to your life as an adult.” You can learn the skills and run your life well without the need to have a controlling person manipulating you.

2. If you are trying to conform a controller….please stop. There is no action better at creating insanity in a person than trying to control something you have no control over. The only thing you and I have control over is ourselves. If we will spend our time working on our own hang ups and shortcomings, we will gain increased feelings of control over our lives. Trying to reform a controller is really just a futile effort to control another person.

3. Don’t hide behind a controller’s bad behaviour to make yourself look good, to cover up your lack of personal initiative and commitment to growth. Find a reason for living that brings joy to you and others. Do some research into your life purpose. Why are you here? Even though we’ve not met, I am positive that you have unique, one of a kind gifts that can make the world a better place.

4. Learn to make your own decisions. Being with a controller can be pretty great because they are happy to make all the decisions. That lets you off the hook, except that you don’t develop the habit of making decisions. This step is rarely about skill, and more about will. “But I don’t know how!” you protest. You will learn. Bit by bit, day by day. Like any new skill, learning to make good choices, good decisions, is a skill that gets better with practice. Practice does not make perfect, but it sure makes life a lot more pleasant!