Counselling -

The Lowdown on the Impact of Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy in a dating or marriage relationship kills intimacy. The term intimacy can be re-written as "into-me-see." This re-write represents a very accurate picture of what intimacy is all about...sharing of oneself. Intimacy requires transparency. Increasing levels of intimacy are achieved through increasing levels of trust. Jealousy is really just another way of telling your mate that you don't trust them, or that they don't trust you.

But why does jealousy exist in the first place? Jealousy comes in two forms: the real and justified, and the false and imagined. Both are deadly to a relationship, yet it can be difficult to tell the difference between the two.

First, the real and justified. This is jealousy or a suspicion about the other person that is justified because...the person isn't 100% trustworthy. Trust is something that is earned.

Second, the false. This is rooted in one of the partner's feelings of insecurity. Insecure about their ability to keep their partner happy so they'll end up losing them, etc.

How to tell the difference between the real and the false.

The real: Perhaps they've been unfaithful in the past, or they watch and make comments about the attractiveness of someone else on a consistent basis, as if it's healthy and normal to show little regard for their mate's feelings. They make comments like, "it never hurts to look." They engage in questionable activities with the opposite sex far too frequently, like going out for coffee or talking on the phone for hours. They commonly try to defend themselves when confronted about being unfaithful with flimsy excuses like we're "just friends."

The fact that they are communicating more intimately with this other person than they are with you is ignored and often belittled. The setting of healthy and mutually respectful boundaries with those outside their relationship is something they either refuse to do or have only a vague idea about how to implement. They ask for blind trust to be given them without any regard for the fact that trust must be earned in life not simply given. At the height of absurdity, they ask for blind trust to be given in spite of their poor behaviour at being faithful.

The false: This is generally based on some past relationship where there was a breach of trust. Perhaps you have been cheated on in the past, or maybe you had a parent who broke their promises with you on a number of different occasions. These were real and painful experiences of broken trust that they went through. The challenge for people who've had these negative experiences is that there is a carry over to the present that isn't necessarily real. The past is the past, but it doesn't always feel that way when current circumstances have a similar feel to them.

Another form of a false jealousy involves being in a relationship that is far better than you'd ever imagined, and as a result you have a hard time believing it will last. You're looking for something bad to happen and unknowingly you're creating the ideal environment for it to happen. When one of the members of the relationship doesn't believe they deserve such a great partner, bad or false jealousy is likely to rear it's ugly head.

There can be a cross over of both the real and the false, but in most cases it's heavily weighted in one direction or the other.

So what category does the jealousy issue you're dealing with fall under, the real or the false?

If it's real, the person that is untrustworthy needs to be willing to earn trust, and the person being cheated on needs to be willing to call things for what they are, or risk further hurt and disappointment. That can mean setting dates and deadlines regarding improved behaviour, which can be very uncomfortable to do, but necessary.

If it's false, the person being falsely accused needs to be told the truth about where the jealousy problem stems from. It's essential to separate past negative experiences from current reality. The false accuser needs to do this in order to create hope in their present relationship, for both them and their partner.