Counselling -

The Undeniable Truth About the Loneliness Factor

Each of us has challenges we face during the course of our day. Some are rather obvious and others not so much. In dating and marriage relationships, there is one common challenge that most people face. This challenge is what I call “the loneliness factor.” The biggest challenge people encounter with the loneliness factor is due to a misdiagnosis of the problem. People mistakenly believe that the challenges they face in their relationships are unique. They see other couples and compare themselves to them. They are usually only seeing a small part of the picture though, a small part of the couple’s life. There is much more to the picture than meets the eye. No married couple can completely avoid painful relationship struggles.

You are not alone. This is not meant to glorify relationship problems, just bring a little needed perspective. It can bring some much needed perspective actually. Loneliness in marriage is extremely common. It’s a real paradox as well. We get married so we won’t be alone, yet millions of us face deep feelings of loneliness.

Feeling like we’re one of the few that is having serious marriage problems can be deflating. The mind often moves from feelings of loneliness to feelings of incompetence. Is there something wrong with me? Other couples don’t seem to have the problems my mate and I have. I must be the only one.

This line of reasoning doesn’t seem very sound when we stop and look at it in written form. When we’re in the middle of an emotionally charged situation it’s harder to keep perspective. If the relationship problem has existed for a prolonged period of time, it can be even harder to keep our thoughts straight. The challenges of marriage often wear down our reasoning ability.

We can find ourselves on a very slippery slope. The feelings of being alone can be self perpetuating. Our feelings cause us to take less action. A serious funk can develop.

The facts are quite clear, you are far from alone. I have found that the percentage of married couples that are happy is in fact quite small. You may very well have many things in your marriage to be grateful for that you were unaware of. This is an excellent place to start. It’s so easy to get caught up only seeing what our spouse isn’t, as opposed to what they are.

It’s also very instructive to do some investigative work. Reach out and talk with other people about their marriages. Tell them that you are having a little difficulty keeping a proper perspective. Rare is the person who couldn’t share some stories about their relationship that are similar to yours. Even though the characters are different, the challenges are pretty common.

Steer clear of the pessimists. Discussing marital challenges should not be done just for the goal of knowing you’re not alone. Many people will gladly share what they don’t like about their relationship, but never do much to make it better. The goal should be a better marriage, not wallowing in self pity.