Counselling -

What Causes Men to Talk So Little

Talking is a process that means different things to different people. Each of us makes the assumption that the reason another person is talking is the exact same reason we would be talking…if we were in their shoes. This is a big mistake though. Whether the conversation is between two people from different cultures, different families of origin or different genders, there are adjustments to be made in learning to listen to each other. A common assumption women make about men is that they don’t talk, or don’t talk as much or for the same reasons women talk. Men do talk plenty, but about different things than women and for different and often, (for what seem to many women), very mysterious reasons. Yet what is going on when men don’t talk? What is going on with men when they hit the mute button and appear to shut down?

Dan and Emily are married and they have their fair share of challenges. Each of them has a number of things they are dealing with right now and it’s Tuesday night. Dan goes out with the guys to an action flick and Emily goes over to a girlfriend’s place for a visit.

At the end of the night they come home to each other happy and relaxed. Now the fun begins!

Emily: How was your night?

Dan: Good.

Emily: What did you guys go and see?

Dan: Well we changed our minds and went to see a court room drama.

Emily: That’s nice.

Dan: Yeah, it was good.

Emily: How’s Phil?

Dan: He’s fine.

Emily: What did you guys talk about?

Dan: Not much

Emily: What do you mean “not much?” You went out with your friend Phil and you two barely spoke about the problems that he’s having at work. I can’t believe it. Isn’t that the reason you get together in the first place, to discuss your problems with each other, to share the intimate details of your personal life?

Dan: No, not really.

What is going on here?

Emily and Dan approach the solution to many of their problems in very different ways.

Men: I figured it out. (Measured by his male peers for competence)

Women: We figured it out. (Measured by female peers by willingness to share and be intimate with others)

In the above mentioned scenario Dan was getting some distance from his problems in order to give his brain a rest. His goal was to forget his problems for a while in order to improve his perspective. If he doesn’t have a solution he has learned that it’s often better to say nothing.

For Emily, she has learned that it helps her if she can talk with another person about her problem in order to gain a bit more perspective. Even if she can’t gain any perspective she has learned that by sharing she can gain some much needed support from a female friend who will work at reinforcing the message that she is “not alone” and that other people have had that particular challenge too.

For Men: The sharing of your problems with your spouse can often help the relationship. This may sound completely absurd because amongst other males the sharing of your problems can get you branded as a whiner who isn’t taking responsibility for his own issues. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to share with your wife in order to garner her support and insight. It can help the two of you become closer without limiting your ability to solve the problem.

For Women: When you ask men to share what’s on his mind and that happens to be a problem, he often thinks that by sharing he will now be expected to work on a solution. This is discouraging to him because he may feel the need for a break. This often happens when a man comes home from work and the wife wants to know what happened in his day. Allow him some space in the first hour or so after work to unwind, and then say “Honey, I would like to know how your day went but not in order to try and solve any problems but because it’s a way that I like to show you that I care.”